grief

I stayed up baking cupcakes with 2 friends until after midnight last night, then arose just before 5 AM and went with Jere in service...I was cranky and uncomfortable, and left the group early and came home and went to bed. I felt myself fighting sleep but unable, the fatigue is so monstrous. My mind constantly reels from Christine to Sara to Shane. I dreamt of Sara...she was perhaps 6 or 7? And I was on the mattress on my knees with my face to hers, and she was standing and preparing to leave, and there was a dorm type huge bag of belongings on it and it had writing in black marker that identified them as her things, and I was begging her to not leave me, that I promised I would be good...I woke up sobbing. I still seem to have an unending supply of tears...I seriously don't know where they come from...do I eat that much salt? I couldn't stop crying, and Rick came in and said...why are you doing this, you have Christine, and the grand kids and so much to be happy for. I pointed out that one child doesn't replace another. I wanted all my children no less now than before. Yes, I have Christine, O Father Jehovah, thank you! But he never lost his son, Christ Jesus, did he? Yet, didn't he still want all of us? You are all precious to me and I want you badly, that I ache. I am having joy...luxuriant and full, and I will embrace it with all I am. And I will continue to want and hope and strive for the rest. Sara Elizabeth DeMoss, Shane Michael DeMoss, I want you and need you and for some reason I let the false idea ferment that I had nothing to offer you. Not true. Not now, not ever. Christine, thank you...you are gracious and wide in heart and I hope your siblings are at least half as much so. I slept until after 2...am still in my granny gown. Still missing each one of you, good night.

I found one...heart keeps beating

Well, Saturday night, I found my daughter. My eldest, my first born. She has not yet contacted me, but I've been informed she is writing me a letter. You know, those ancient forms of communication where one sets a writing instrument to paper....then affixes a stamp and sends it on its way. Mail seems to be much slower these days, and I find myself on a Wednesday night previous to a postal holiday forced to wait another day...2, really, to see if she has written and if her words are stilletto sharp or healing oil. Or both...or neither? What must a young woman say to a woman who essentially abandoned her for 28 of her 31 years? Anger. I always come to anger, don't I? Come to grief...an expression Dick Francis used and titled a novel...do I now come to grief? I'm familiar with grief. A constant in my life. Oft self-imposed...never endured lightly, but most often endured alone.
So...I find this beautiful woman who was born 31 years and 5 days ago...from my hips...through my body...I recall the rainy day she arrived, after a weekend move...after a morning drive of over 60 miles in November rain...to be sent back in an ambulance to deliver her with strangers...a vicious nurse who slapped me...but this beautiful being came forth. To me. And what have I done? Well, haven't I allowed someone to take all the beautiful things from me? Where did I learn this horrid thing? How did I come to allow myself to exist with all this loss? O Father Jehovah God, do forgive me, or let me have mercy in sleep

I know you're out there somewhere

Shane Michael DeMoss, Sara Elizabeth DeMoss, Christine Danet Thomas...you don't know it but I love you.

justice equals friendship?

this seems to be a Friday sort of thing for me...about to have a pancake fest in my home. I will enjoy hearing the humming highs and lows of conversation and laughter among my friends...all with the same purpose, same goals...so nice. It's amazing that I can have these friends...last night I learned that it was only possible because of an act of reconciliation performed by someone I'll never see in the flesh...this 'act' really was a life span of 33 and a half years...through this willing sacrifice...why was it a sacrifice? Well...it meant lowering himself from his very high position to the mere existence as a human...and then a period of non-existence...alive in one form or another for billions and billions of years, and willingly allowing oneself to give up that existence...albeit for a mere 3 days...would you do it? As penance for a crime you did not commit? Willingly? Reconciled...to become friendly again...because of this I can become Jehovah God's friend...and be counted among his friends...and count his friends as my own...humbling. Amazing.

It must be Friday, because I'm angry again

So...what happens when you come home early because you're sick...and you find your husband has been...smoking in your house. Oh...get a grip, right? Please explain why I can't just wake up one day and be by myself.

I'm always chasing Pain Bowls....

you can do it, hum along. Instead of chasing rainbows, I seem to chase pain. There are many remedies for pain. I'm no fan of the majority of them...but I am dust...I treat my pain in a multitude of ineffectual methods. The most obvious one would be 'eating the pain away'. I can happily say that now when I walk from my car (which I deliberately park as far away from the front door of our building as possible while still taking advantage of covered parking) I will arrive in the elevator feeling such strain that I am sure I'm on the verge of a heart attack. I am sure it will arrive any day now. How do I fix that? Well...being a good girl...I'll have a meal of low sodium, oatmeal or something...prior to going home and eating fried meat and gravy with potatoes loaded with real butter and cream...nothing but the best, right? This method is yielding great results...if your goal is to meet an undertaker. I chased my pain this afternoon...caught it in the middle of a boulevard heavily traversed with failure...all mine, thank you. I don't appear to need any assistance in locating and obtaining pain, although just in case, I have attached myself to additional sources of pain. One never knows when one might run out, right? I learned a new expression not long ago...emotional masturbation. Scary to find myself face to face with a term I'd never heard but instantly recognized in myself. Well...I must return to the task at hand...there's not enough pain here today...afk to produce more

What would a blog do if a blog could do what it wanted to?

I've found this opportunity to place my thoughts on paper...opine or pine knot, you decide. Will I benefit myself? Others? This is just a moment, just a day. Be good. And if Sara or Shane or Christy were to find it, would that I found them...missing me at least by half as much as I miss them. Adieu