grief

I stayed up baking cupcakes with 2 friends until after midnight last night, then arose just before 5 AM and went with Jere in service...I was cranky and uncomfortable, and left the group early and came home and went to bed. I felt myself fighting sleep but unable, the fatigue is so monstrous. My mind constantly reels from Christine to Sara to Shane. I dreamt of Sara...she was perhaps 6 or 7? And I was on the mattress on my knees with my face to hers, and she was standing and preparing to leave, and there was a dorm type huge bag of belongings on it and it had writing in black marker that identified them as her things, and I was begging her to not leave me, that I promised I would be good...I woke up sobbing. I still seem to have an unending supply of tears...I seriously don't know where they come from...do I eat that much salt? I couldn't stop crying, and Rick came in and said...why are you doing this, you have Christine, and the grand kids and so much to be happy for. I pointed out that one child doesn't replace another. I wanted all my children no less now than before. Yes, I have Christine, O Father Jehovah, thank you! But he never lost his son, Christ Jesus, did he? Yet, didn't he still want all of us? You are all precious to me and I want you badly, that I ache. I am having joy...luxuriant and full, and I will embrace it with all I am. And I will continue to want and hope and strive for the rest. Sara Elizabeth DeMoss, Shane Michael DeMoss, I want you and need you and for some reason I let the false idea ferment that I had nothing to offer you. Not true. Not now, not ever. Christine, thank you...you are gracious and wide in heart and I hope your siblings are at least half as much so. I slept until after 2...am still in my granny gown. Still missing each one of you, good night.