Does Hope Float?

well, when you speak aloud something you've only uttered under your breath and to no one who can hold you accountable...it's as if you commit yourself to act on your words, right? I've done so. In prayer, but aloud, I've spoken of my desire to act. So a loving friend said 'first, form a PLAN OF ACTION' and she wrote this on the back of a menu while we were talking. Set forth a plan. What will it take to accomplish? Finances? Start saving. Consider the possible results of your actions. Are you prepared in all ways to cope with desired or undesired results of your actions? I'm imagined this step a hundred or more times. Now I've done more. I've made specific petition to the hearer of prayer, and will know his answer soon. I was asked, in regard to dealing with changing something if we could...if I knew for a certainty that I only had 24 hours left, what would I do? My immediate response was 'get on a plane'. So the point was made...none of us have any guarantees of the next day...time and unforeseen occurrence befall us all. So I am getting on a plane. I'm making plans, seeking guidance and direction, and will go to Corvallis and just attend the meeting, and under no obligation at all...Sara can choose to talk to me or not. I pray for the best outcome...and I can't believe Jehovah wants a bad one...he formed families, after all. So I am, like Jacob, petitioning my child for forgiveness and love, and hope that rather than find a wall or war, she greets me like Esau. We shall see...will road blocks arise? If so, perhaps it means, not no, but just not now? As in all things, Jehovah, not my will, please, but yours. So this is my course/plan of action for Sara. And even for Shane...I have an address and phone number for him, and although his father refused my call...perhaps he won't refuse someone else's. So...let's see.
Psalm 27:14 Hope in Jehovah; be courageous and let your heart be strong.
Yes, hope in Jehovah.

I finally knocked

I went to bed so utterly exhausted last night, I was probably sound asleep by 7:00 PM. The natural result? I'm awake at 3:00 AM. So I am here. Perusing my daughter's words. And finding ones I didn't know she'd written. She was longing for me in the middle of the night, and sure Sara and Shane must, as well. I don't know the answer to that. I've just begun (I can say 'just begun' because this is recent in a lifetime that has expanded more than 48 years, although it began in September) to fight, to see the need to act on my intense longings. Let me explain. I have screamed inside, wept buckets and buckets, ground my teeth into near oblivion, eaten my way through years and years of painful longing...longing for things I've allowed others to take from me. It is as if I had a yard sale, stating, "Here they are, the valuable things, take them!" These 'things' aren't things at all. They are people. People I love and need with such intensity that I've screamed and wept inside and simply ASSUMED that this would be conveyed. I mean...can't the world see my pain? Can't the universe see and feel it? Can't the sheer magnitude of it be felt by Christine, Shane, and Sara, so that simply by feeling this immense pain, expending these fountains of tears, wearing away the enamel on my teeth, flooding my system with harmful calories...can't all of this just be felt and understood and KNOWN by them? As if by osmosis or something? WELL, OF COURSE NOT! The fact is, I've spent this time aching without conveying, without ACTING!!!!! So I have begun to take action. Guess what? I took an action. And got what I needed. Christine, you are here, in my heart. Not just a whisper or promise of someone, but a real living adult and beautiful woman...and when I knocked, you opened the door. My groanings unuttered were answered. I'm not done. I won't be done until Jehovah says I'm done. And in the meantime, I will keep working toward my goal. I gave birth 3 times. I loved 3 people without reservation or expectation. They don't exist without me. I'm no creator. But these individuals are on the planet because I gave birth. I need and want you, Shane Michael DeMoss, Sara Elizabeth DeMoss, and one day, perhaps, you'll know, as your sister does, how much, and you will open the door when I knock.